I'm Comic Sans, Asshole.

—by Mike Lacher, McSweeney’s “Short Imagined Monologues” series

Listen up. I know the shit you’ve been saying behind my back. You think I’m stupid. You think I’m immature. You think I’m a malformed, pathetic excuse for a font. Well think again, nerdhole, because I’m Comic Sans, and I’m the best thing to happen to typography since Johannes fucking Gutenberg.

You don’t like that your coworker used me on that note about stealing her yogurt from the break room fridge? You don’t like that I’m all over your sister-in-law’s blog? You don’t like that I’m on the sign for that new Thai place? You think I’m pedestrian and tacky? Guess the fuck what, Picasso. We don’t all have seventy-three weights of stick-up-my-ass Helvetica sitting on our seventeen-inch MacBook Pros. Sorry the entire world can’t all be done in stark Eurotrash Swiss type. Sorry some people like to have fun. Sorry I’m standing in the way of your minimalist Bauhaus-esque fascist snoozefest. Maybe sometime you should take off your black turtleneck, stop compulsively adjusting your Tumblr theme, and lighten the fuck up for once.

People love me. Why? Because I’m fun. I’m the life of the party. I bring levity to any situation. Need to soften the blow of a harsh message about restroom etiquette? SLAM. There I am. Need to spice up the directions to your graduation party? WHAM. There again. Need to convey your fun-loving, approachable nature on your business’ website? SMACK. Like daffodils in motherfucking spring.

When people need to kick back, have fun, and party, I will be there, unlike your pathetic fonts. While Gotham is at the science fair, I’m banging the prom queen behind the woodshop. While Avenir is practicing the clarinet, I’m shredding “Reign In Blood” on my double-necked Stratocaster. While Univers is refilling his allergy prescriptions, I’m racing my tricked-out, nitrous-laden Honda Civic against Tokyo gangsters who’ll kill me if I don’t cross the finish line first. I am a sans serif Superman and my only kryptonite is pretentious buzzkills like you.

It doesn’t even matter what you think. You know why, jagoff? Cause I’m famous. I am on every major operating system since Microsoft fucking Bob. I’m in your signs. I’m in your browsers. I’m in your instant messengers. I’m not just a font. I am a force of motherfucking nature and I will not rest until every uptight armchair typographer cock-hat like you is surrounded by my lovable, comic-book inspired, sans-serif badassery.

Enough of this bullshit. I’m gonna go get hammered with Papyrus.

[via McSweeney’s.]

[note: I wish I could post this IN COMIC SANS as it was meant to be read.]

6 September 2011 ·

56 notes

  1. theeyebrowofspock reblogged this from madlori
  2. piscine-unrelated reblogged this from fulminatas-mortal-coil and added:
    Oh, the fun I shall have … yes.
  3. lyfeofthemad reblogged this from kriscynical
  4. enjolrazzi said: oh my god. I LOVE McSweeney’s. it’s the best. (I’ve never liked Comic Sans, though.)
  5. frothybadgerwriting reblogged this from madlori and added:
    Ah makes me laugh
  6. porcelaintoivorytosteel reblogged this from an-innocent-bystander
  7. an-innocent-bystander reblogged this from madlori
  8. lolathimble reblogged this from madlori and added:
    I still kinda hate you, Comic Sans. Soz.
  9. fulminatas-mortal-coil reblogged this from kriscynical
  10. fancy-fish reblogged this from madlori
  11. ooohbollocks reblogged this from kriscynical
  12. kriscynical reblogged this from madlori
  13. nyxe reblogged this from madlori
  14. transhumanisticpanspermia reblogged this from atrociousaardvark
  15. atrociousaardvark reblogged this from madlori
  16. adi-syrin reblogged this from madlori and added:
    I remember when this made the rounds in studio :) Reminds me of Google’s April Fools Day prank this past year in which...
  17. seolchan reblogged this from madlori
  18. valeria2067 said: I’ve always loved that article. I’ve also always hated Comic Sans. :-)
  19. madlori posted this

Who is the MadLori?

I'm Lori. I'm 40, a scientist and a freelance writer). Fanfiction is my drug of choice. This is where I dump all my obsessive fannishness along with whatever else strikes me. At the moment the dominant fandom is Sherlock. That can change at anytime. Be warned. Eye protection should be worn in this area.

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