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A short post-“Performance” Tumblr fic. This takes place after the Oscars, but before John and Sherlock’s wedding.
[rustling noises, a dark lens cap is removed from in front of the lens. The camera tilts and is raised and then swung around; we see glimpses of what looks like a bathroom, and then the camera is facing a mirror and we can see that it is a small video recorder held by John Watson. He is wearing jeans and a t-shirt, his hair is wet]
John: [waves] Good morning, Ellen! You asked me to record my regular life for a day, presumably so you can embarrass me by airing bits of it on your show, so here I am. I hope you don’t mind that I decided against taping myself showering and shaving. So…this is my bathroom. Thrilling, yes?
[the camera moves off the mirror as John walks out of the bathroom]
John: Now we’ll go downstairs, because morning means one thing in this house: coffee.
[we see shaky point-of-view shots of a hallway, then the stairs, then the kitchen]
John: Coffee is the most important meal of the day, you know. [John’s narration is charmingly awkward, as if he’s not sure what he ought to be saying, so he’s just babbling.]
[The view stabilizes as John sets the camera on something, then steps in front of it and turns it towards the kitchen counter. He goes to the coffeemaker and begins to make coffee]
John: A frequent topic of discussion around here is exactly how strong is too strong for coffee? I think so far the consensus is that there is no “too strong” when it comes to coffee. [he is scooping an alarming amount of grounds into the percolator] I know, it’s autodrip. It isn’t fancy. I have this dream of having a steam line installed so I can get a real espresso machine, but I can’t shake the feeling that I’d no longer be able to claim that I’m a regular bloke if I had an espresso machine in my house, so I haven’t done it.
[he turns on the coffee maker and sits down at the counter, turning the camera to face him again.]
John: I’m probably not framed very well. Am I cutting off the top of my own head? [he is] I’m not used to being on the other side of the camera. Lots of actors want to direct, but I never have. I’m good at one thing and I figure I’ll just stick to that. [he sighs] I hope you edit this down, because I’m already bored of my life. Let’s see…today’s a pretty normal day. I’m not shooting a film right now, so you may wonder, what do actors do between shoots? There are a lot of meetings, and we spend a lot of time reading scripts. Sometimes we take classes. Our publicists send us places, parties and premieres and openings, that kind of thing. There’s a lot of lunching that goes on. Most of us go to the gym. Have to look good onscreen, and the camera really does add ten pounds, at least. I’m going today, or that’s the idea, anyway. We’ll see what happens. [he looks away; he’s just heard something] Ah. Something stirs.
[we can now hear footsteps on the stairs. John picks up the camera and points it toward the kitchen doorway.]
Sherlock: [off-camera] Coffee. Coffee is required. There had better be coffee because otherwise I might…
[Sherlock comes into the kitchen wearing a t-shirt and pajama pants. He is clearly just awake; his hair is in disarray and he’s half-yawning. When he sees the camera he makes a face and puts up a hand]
Sherlock: Oh, bloody hell.
John: Be nice, now.
Sherlock: I’m not awake enough for nice. Is that the video for Ellen?
John: Yes! Say hello!
Sherlock: [sighs a long-suffering sigh and looks into the camera] Hello, Ellen. I’ll get you for this.
[he shuffles off toward the coffeepot and out of frame. John swings the camera around to his own face]
John: As you can see, Sherlock is not a morning person.
Sherlock: (off camera) You’re hardly Mr. Sunshine either, when you’re just up. [John turns the camera again; Sherlock is at the counter staring at the coffeepot, perhaps attempting to will the coffee to appear faster]
John: I’ve been up for an hour.
Sherlock: Bully for you, then. [he turns around and leans against the counter, crossing his arms over his chest; he addresses John, resolutely ignoring the camera] Care for some eggs?
John: Are you going to make me breakfast?
Sherlock: Well, we can’t have Ellen’s entire viewing audience thinking I don’t take care of you.
John: [turns the camera toward himself] There, see, he’s making me breakfast. Isn’t that sweet? [he leans closer and whispers] But he’s a terrible cook, so you may be about to see some acting live and up close while I pretend to like it.
Sherlock: I heard that. Cold cereal it is, then. [he turns from the fridge and smirks at John, dropping a quick wink]
[the camera stabilizes again as John sets it down. We can see him open a laptop that’s sitting nearby on the counter; Sherlock is now pouring coffee, we can just get glimpses of him until he sets a mug in front of John, followed by a bowl and a spoon.
John: [looks up] Oh, I want raisin bran.
Sherlock: [sighs theatrically] Prima donna.
John: Because I don’t like Grape Nuts?
Sherlock: Here. Raisin bran. Happy?
[Sherlock sits down next to him, no cereal of his own in evidence, but with a mug of coffee. Our view includes both of them.]
Sherlock: What’s on, then? [he nods toward John’s computer screen]
John: Several things I can’t discuss while I’m on camera. [he points at the screen, which we can’t see. Sherlock leans over and looks, then nods]
John: Email from Isabelle. [he clicks it open, then briefly addresses the camera] That’s my sixteen-year-old niece. Oh, she’s in a play at school.
Sherlock: Which play?
Sherlock: [sniffs] Naturally.
John: She’s playing Mollie Ralston. [he laughs] She says an actor who was in the play twenty years ago in the West End production is coming to teach an acting class for the cast. Listen to this: ‘Imagine all their faces if you and Sherlock came to give us acting lessons instead.’”
Sherlock: [chuckles] I wish we could. I’ll not have more than one day off in a row for the next three months.
John: When’s your call today?
Sherlock: Eleven. [he looks at the clock] In fact, I’d best sort myself out and be on my way.
John: [looks a little sad] I’ve barely seen you all week.
Sherlock: [he has gotten to his feet, mug in hand] I ought to have a few free hours around nine o’clock, why don’t you come out to the set and have dinner with me?
John: [perks up] Brilliant!
Sherlock: [smiling] I’ve got insane amounts of horrendously difficult scientific dialogue today, it’ll give me something to look forward to. I’ll text you when I’m certain of the time.
[He meets John’s eyes and begins to lean down; John glances at the camera, then holds up his hand in front of the lens. His aim isn’t too great; we can see clearly through his fingers as they kiss. John drops his hand as Sherlock disappears out of the kitchen, then addresses the camera again.]
John: That’s the downside of this business. It isn’t exactly conducive to maintaining anything resembling a normal relationship. But we do the best we can. [he chuckles] I don’t know how good that is.